“Always believe that something wonderful is about to happen.” ~Coco Chanel
I toss and turn in bed. It is 2:39 AM when I look at the clock. The non-stop mental chatter is getting louder. Who are you? What are you doing that matters? How do you inspire people to be better? How are you going to get it all done? Where are your lucky stars? Who cares about your purpose? This is what goes on in my head in the wee hours of the morning on any given day. I am inundated with a knowingness that I cannot explain. I can only get up each day and follow the spiritual bread crumbs let over from my astral travels and vivid dreams.
When I hear the clarity in the manifestations the voice says, “Go tell stories!” Go do what fuels your soul!” This is the truth of who I am. I am a storyteller, a writer, a mother, a sober woman, a solo agent of my desires, a tour guide of my own consciousness, a world traveler, a helper of hearts and a lover of life experiences. However that all mixes together, I don’t know, but it is who I am. I must keep going even when I can’t see that path. I fumble towards joy and feel my way through the uncertainty knowing one thing, I am happy when I follow the dictates of what my soul calls me to do.
I must never stop believing that something wonderful is about to happen!
Now it’s 4:30 AM and my mind wants to be active while my body screams for rest. My eyes desperately want to be hidden behind the darkness that provides their slumber, but no. The muse wants to write and create a post that defines what it is like to be a Solo-Sober-Mom-Entrepreneur. It’s the sum of who I am, but not the full equation because there will always be unknown variables that can make figuring things out very unpredictable. So, I do what I always do; I get up and I shuffle my feet to my soul perch.
It is challenging to be solo in a world that wants you to couple to ease the burdens of life, or add to a few more zeros to the bottom line. It is hard to be sober in a small town that keeps you at arms length because it needs to drink to match the daily posted status. It is hard to be a full time, emotionally sober parent that feels all the feels without having a conventional escape route. Truthfully speaking, some days it is just hard to see where I am going, period. This is where an intuitive knowing comes in handy. Just keep going.
I am solo, that means I fly solo as a woman. Not because I necessarily want to be, it is just that way it is right now. See, I have been let down by the majority of people in my life and I learned at a very early age that if you want something done right, do it yourself when it’s YOUR dream. Now, with that being said, a housekeeper would be a fabulous addition to my daily repertoire, but that comes with a price tag that doesn’t currently fit the budget right now. Teenage daughters are not the best choice for a cleaning staff either. The eye rolls and long winded sighs of utter exhaustion is far worse than the begging or high functioning negotiating skills needed to navigate the pitfalls of reasoning with teenagers. Plus, it would take away the excuses to linger, doddle, and procrastinate while getting sidetracked every few minutes, or so, as I wander around my home adding more to my to do list until I give up and watch Netflix. No biggie! The best thing is that my laundry and dirty carpet is very patient.
Sober comes with a social stigma and a sense of loneliness that comes from being on the outside of normal. I cannot “WINE” myself down after a long, hectic or emotionally trying day. In the world of being a superwoman, I must “WATER” down my struggles with lavender facial spritz, a long bath and self care that may include a take out dinner order to eliminate any stress caused by menu disapproval from the my teenage divas. I find it totally amusing that I can have a refrigerator full of food yet NOTHING to eat. Of course I can argue that this is what is for dinner and you will eat it, but then it would feel like the hell I was raised in and that would be counter-intuitive for them and for me. That would rally the emotional binge eating while ending in brownies all around and a keep em’ coming mentality. Either way, food will be served (or purchased), we will eat healthy (somewhat) and I will stay sober. Lessons form the front lines of “dinner time” is that nothing feels better than being emotionally available for what unexpected joys come from sitting in the back set of my car while witnessing my daughter navigate the Panera Drive thru.
Always OPEN Mom
Mom means there is no other way to live life after child birth. I mean there might be, but where I came from and where I am now, there is no OFF button, nor do I want there to be. I am it. I am the kit, the caboodle, the sun, the moon and everything in-between. Being the only sober parent is even more challenging because I am expected to know how to handle everyone’s emotions while explaining the more complex reason why certain people do what they do while using alcohol to escape the things that they would rather deny. I’ve been there and now I am here. It is a privilege, no doubt, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have my share of weaknesses and breakdowns when it comes to carrying a heavier load than most mothers. Again, it is a privilege to be sober for the parts of my life that never go offline, shut down or become unavailable. 24/7/365 till I am no longer needed for a full time job position. Does that ever really happen? I am not sure because my birth mother quit on me and I never want my daughters to feel that hurtful sting of being disposable or rejected.
Entrepreneur-It Never Stops
My insatiable desire to write and create NEVER stops. The muse doesn’t care that I am tired, busy or have things that must be done; the muse has a voice, a reason, a plan, and never gives me a choice. I do what it wants me to do, always. It never stops feeling, improving, creating and dreaming of bigger things to do. It sees where I am afraid to go and yet takes me right there. How do I know this, because it is now 6:19 AM and in 7 minutes I have to get a teenager out of bed, pack a lunch (with love) and drive her to school. I will leave the muse in my chair as I prepare my child for a beautiful day and give her my full attention. She will have her day and I will come back where my muse will always be eager to say more right from this chair, this computer and this page.
The Blended Woman
So, here it is all laid out for the world to read. I am a hot mess and a word ball of fire that sees the beauty in the madness and the joy in my journey. One day it will all be another form of challenging as time will take on a new meaning of growth. The girls will be women and I will be somewhere lost in time reflecting on how magical it was to be my own type of solo-sober-mom-entrepreneur that never gave up and always believed that something magical was about to happen!
“It is better to fail in originality than succeed in imitation.” ~Herman Melville