Sober in the Suburbs
“Some people like the neat of the suburbs. I always am attracted to the rundown and the old and the offbeat.” ~William S. Burroughs
The Princess Dream from Fantasy Land at the Age of 5
I had it all planned out. Grow up, find the perfect man, get married, have a baby and settle in the suburbs of domestic paradise with the house and the white picket fence. I accomplished the goals and I was standing on victory lane…I had it all! I was a domestic Goddess and I ruled the street. But, did I really rule or was I run down, displaced and searching for the light of tomorrow through the haze of a daily routine spelled Monotony with a capital M?
Now, don’t get me wrong! Please! I loved every second of raising my baby girls into young ladies with a pure soul and a true purpose for living life untouched by “the rules” that beat creative fires out of little children. I was in control of their ability to run free and wild-eyed within the circle of their own zone of self-discovery. We played all day, ate a variety of really yummy snacks that I copied from Parents Magazine and lived to the beat of our own drums. And come to think of it, nothing tastes better than ants on a log made by messy and imperfect two year old junior chefs. I loved it all, but I was not able to appreciate any of it until I experienced contrast created from the desire to be the perfect mom despite having no idea how to achieve that superior status.
Suburban Cinderella (Take 2)
After the kissing and the baby in the carriage the next phase that came was the bursting of the bubble. The demise of my dream was almost the day the dream began. There was always something wild in my heart that kept me dreaming of life outside of the normal, outside of the coveted family dreams and all that came along with the responsibilities of domestication. What made me once feel alive began to feel like a nightmare that went against the flow of my souls energetic vibration. The self told lies were morphing into a new sobering reality that I was not like everyone else. I loved being a mom, but I was torn between suburbia and the real me. I was never told that having a urban dream was okay and that life would open new avenues if I knew how to listen to the call of my own soul. Eventually the page turned, the fairy tales was over, and I became a single mom who was now sober yet still in the suburbs. I was outside the box yet still inside the fences of life. I felt trapped and nothing was authentic or familiar to me anymore. I didn’t even know who I was until I was able to spend two years uncovering the truth of what I wanted form life and what I really wanted to be in my new life.
Shedding the skin of Stagnation and Breaking the Rules of A Mothers “Shoulds”
Fast forward past many tears and triumphs-I love the woman I have been able to become. I was there all along, but I was buried in society’s dream of what a woman should be. After recent travels to new cities, a familiar feeling exploded in the core of my being. I was now ready to migrate back to a city. I am ready now to embark on a new journey. I am choosing to throw the safety of a small town and familiar routines into the winds of change. I desire to thrust myself into the midst of ‘hustle and bustle’ in a youthful city that has depth and maturity only gleaned from brick walls and cement streets that are old friends of father (and mother) time.
AND, the most beautiful plot twist here is that my teenage girls inherited my curiosity of people, places and things. From the first sight of NYC they were mesmerized by the lights and hooked by the electric nature of pure potential. Swift actions, fast moving things, fast thinking, and the everything-at-your-finger-tips-mentality was thrilling and oddly comforting to all three of us. I knew right then life was about to change. Coming home felt gloomy and depressing. We all were waiting for the feeling of, “I am so glad to be home”, but it never came home with us. They saw that anything could be possible when one has the courage to dream a bigger dream and listen to the call of the soul.
The Lesson of “What Else is Possible”
My daughters will never be put into boxes that won’t or can’t hold the depth or weight of their desires, hopes and their inner desires to be all they can be. As spiritual homework I made them read The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying. I asked them to watch as many TED Talks as they could about honoring the authenticity of what they wanted from life. I will never force my ideas on them. I will never make them live the life I wanted when I was 5. I will never tell them they are wrong to want a prosperous life over killing themselves while working 9-5 in someone else idea of what true success is. I will never limit their intuitive ability to gather their own bushels of abundance birthed from their own fulfilling life experiences. I ask them to choose their own paths over choosing the duties of an outdated paradigm of the white picket fence syndrome in the suburbs of clones and drones. I asked them to sit still and listen to the voices that choose to lead while blazing the trails of out-of-the-box-experiences. Life is not guaranteed and if we play it safe we will never make it back to home base with a new story to tell our future leaders.
“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside of us while we live.” ~Norman Cousins