I FEEL LOVE
"Show me how you follow your deepest desires, spiraling down into the ache within the ache, and I will show you how I reach inward and open outward to feel the kiss of the mystery, sweet lips on my own, every day." ~Oriah, The Dance
Love and trauma are two very complex experiences that can alter our lives. In recovery, I discovered that my past behaviors caused them both to negatively feed off one another until I did the work to separate the pain of my sexual trauma from the possibility of finding a genuine love as a survivor. False feelings of love birthed from left-over trauma can cause internal upset and soul-stirring anxiety. Genuine love, on the other hand, causes us to revel in the post-trauma expressions of ourselves while becoming receptive to the feelings that used to make us squirm at the slightest touch of a lovers hand.
It is not easy for survivors to give the most vulnerable part of ourselves to another for fear of being judged or to engage in making the same mistakes again and again that may keep us stuck. To this I say, "Break free from the false belief that love is hard or hurts too much. Or that we need to stay hidden, isolated in our single suffering, or covered by the cloak of shame from past failures at love." We are deserving of a genuine love! Our bodies need to be touched, loved, honored, valued, and ravished until we shake with exhaustion and quiver with joy. We deserve to come home to the lover who waters the garden of our intimate soul.
I am in no hurry to force love; a love that resonates so deeply it inspires me to give just as much as I will receive. I believe, one day, that this type of love will allow me to be dainty and gentle yet bold and fierce. I will graciously learn to bare the most intimate and vulnerable aspects of my soul this love and hold open the closed parts of myself for exploration. I imagine that I will let him lead me beyond the daylight and deeper into the complexities of sultry nights. I will, eventually, lean on him and toward him, while at times, I will lean away from him. In this shift, he will have the choice to powerfully pull me right back to him when I have had enough space to fulfill my souls solitary needs.
But, this is what will different today than yesterday as I once threw myself at any man to prove my worth. In this era of genuine love, our minds and souls will intimately bond before our naked bodies to build trust, honor, and respect. I will surrender to him in my time, in my way. My mind, heart, body, and soul will gravitate toward him without losing sight of what attracted me to him in the first place. I will hold space for him while he instinctively does the same for me. When we look deep into each others eyes we tune into the frequencies of our souls unique vibrations and gently move in rhythm as we travel to distant places. I will feel him, breathe him in, and exhale every fear created from a space that did not know what genuine love had to offer was until I felt it stream from the essences of something more powerful than I.
What does love have to do with trauma, sexual abuse, and addiction? Everything! Love is the healing that every lonely soul craves. A genuine love may be the nutritional element that will push the boundaries of my spiritual growth allowing me to be the best version of myself. All hurting souls are free to see that healing comes from unconditional love of self that can transform into something extremely satisfying. This is the reality of my where I am headed in recovery from broken dreams and longing of a trauma survivor. Thinking of my future with this type of connection, makes me feel happy. And, happy is new, expansive, and co-creative, but I will not force it, but let it organically mature.
"The law of love is that you are love. Allow yourself to feel the experience and be that which you most desire, LOVE." ~Rebecca