A Trauma Day (My Memories)
Today, I am numb and speechless, yet fully aware of the awakening that will come through the pain that I am feeling in my heart and soul. Today, is "one of those trauma days."
I desire to speak, but when I open my mouth nothing comes out. All I can do is lay curled in a ball and listen to the same song, over and over again, that takes me to another time and place. A time where I don't have trauma and a place where my unwavering strength reminds me of how far I have come because I do have trauma.
But, when these days come, I must give myself permission to regress and feel what my trauma has done to me. For so long, I did whatever it took not to feel. This is why it is so important for me to feel my way through this process. Sometimes, it is unavoidable when the sadness grabs my soul and grief holds my sunshine personality hostage. The more I squirm, the tighter the grip of disappointment has on me. I must relax into the feeling, cry to release the pain, and return from this space with a more in-depth understanding of who I have become in the aftermath of my childhood sexual trauma and addiction.
The Voice of a Trauma Day (my little inner voice)
I've lost so much, maybe too much. In the beginning of my abuse time suddenly stopped and my once vibrant world painfully lost all of it's color. In hindsight, my eyes can sometimes only see the confused little girl who was part of things that terrified her. In the moments or days after an incident, her inner voice eerily reinforced all the negative feelings that she was bad, dirty, and to blame for her abusers twisted desires. (I know this is NOT true, but sometimes she doesn't) I am that little girl and the voice is mine.
Then, with the force of a Tsunami, shame can still flood my mind, even after all the work that has already been done in recovery. I drown in the memories of when I had no where to run, no one to talk to, and no real words to tell someone, anyone who would believe me, what has happening to me. Sometimes, in current day, I have no choice but to feel how often I froze in horror as all the blood drained from my body every time he touched me. I re-live how, for so many years, I would only know emptiness, hopelessness, rage, anger, confusion, and sadness. I then connect with the part of me that so expertly faked happiness as one of my many tools for survival. It was as if I sat on the top of my head and watched the world go by from a place where no child or young soul should have to go-The Dead Zone. The Dead Zone is where I would disassociate with what I was feeling and with what was happening so that I could continue to make it through, yet another, haunting, sexually abusive experience.
The Voice of Reason (my grown up voice)
When I re-surface from the doldrums of a trauma day, I am usually a bit wiser from having the courage to sit with my feelings. I am sure to be gentle on my body, mind, and soul after such an emotional ride. The emotional hang-over alone can be harsh. So, I try, the best I can, to embrace the part of me who has experienced so many miracles in recovery, especially after years of trauma therapy and 12 Step work. I have done a tremendous amount of work and I truly do I have all I need for my journey, not all I want, but what I need. I want every survivor to know this, it is okay to have a trauma day! Every day something like a smell, a noise, a memory, a song, or a voice, can have the ability to re-trigger our trauma. It is knowing how to handle it when it comes up that can make all the difference for a survivor in recovery.
There are a few crucial rules for a trauma day and they are as follows:
1) You cannot get stuck in a trauma day too long.
2) You cannot lose ground for the work you've already done.
3) You must never lose sight of what inspires you to keep working on your recovery goals.
Please, from my heart to yours, give yourself permission to be whatever you need to be on the days when you feel sad or in a space that may scare or frustrate you. But, whatever you do, do not let someone else's darkness take your light away from you! It's your light, your life, and your right to burn shit up with your desires! Set fire to your world with the flames of recovery! There are 42 Million survivors of childhood sexual abuse-find the light source that you are drawn to and tap into whatever it is that you need to help you heal!