I Was Never Enough
"The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality." ~Joan Rivers
An ugliness resided so deep inside of me that I continually felt that I was never good enough. I could never be happy enough, pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough, or enough of anything to anyone, not even the adults or peers that I craved attention form. I lacked confidence, peace, innocence, and the important characteristics of normality that the "others" had; the ones without trauma, sexual abuse, or addiction.
I could only see an ugly girl living a dirty lie. I could only see my life through the cracks in my lenses as I peered out from behind the fragments of a broken soul. The sadness in my soul was all consuming. Light was non-existent and darkness became a comfortable space. I could never see who I was.
I was always told, "You're so beautiful!" Why can't you just be happy?" "You're so lucky, look at you!" The response to my saying that I felt ugly (because of my experiences) was always the same, "Wish I was as "ugly" as you!" Nothing ever brought comfort to the conflict of outside beauty vs. inner ugliness and trauma.
Surface beauty doesn't hide the damage created by trauma. When beauty became the thing that prevented people from seeing deeper into who I was a person, beauty then became my curse. My beauty was a lie because I NEVER felt beautiful for the right reasons. The fragments of identity that I had were the reflection of what I was feeling inside and it was anything BUT beautiful.
The most beautiful woman can be insecure, depressed, and isolated by her physical attributes. Surface beauty fades, although a woman can remain soulfully gorgeous until her dying breath if she has a beauty that does not depend on the shell of her soul.
Shattering the Illusions
The emotional bottom that jolted my soul into seeing who I was for the first time came from years of depression, shame, trauma and addiction. The sheer force of my rapid fall shattered the illusion that I was not worth the investment of spiritual, emotional, and physical healing Despite my best efforts in the past to change, I finally asked the right group of people for help. As a result, I received excellent spiritual remastering and editing so that I could truly see the beauty gifted to me by my creator.
My Beauty is Beyond Skin Deep
Today, I see myself in a different way. My experiences haven't changed, I have changed! I AM beautiful inside and out! I am enough! I am happy! I feel pretty and my body is strong and beautiful, even with its flaws, quirks, and imperfections caused by growing older. Too fat, too thin, too this or that, no longer controls the climate for how I feel about myself. I am beautiful in a reflective way, a way that highlights the mirror of my soul. My gifts are no longer weapons for selfish fear driven motives, they are glowing attributes to the work required to shine from Gods grace; an internal source of inner beauty, peace, and joy that can never be dimmed, painted over, defiled, or extinguished.
Flawless beauty resides in the heart. It radiates from a place of perfect love. Perfect love creates a beautiful mosaic when it is joined with other hearts that radiant from the same source of love-self love!
This post is for all my beautiful tribal members who feel inadequate, not pretty enough, not good enough, or forever flawed by warped perceptions of how others, including yourself, see your beauty! You are a beautiful, radiant beings of love and light. Be bold and love all of you-flaws and all! And, I promise to do the same!