I Was Never Enough
"The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality." ~Joan Rivers
“An ugliness resided so deep inside of me that I continually felt that I was never enough. I could never be happy enough, pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough, or enough of anything to anyone, not even the adults or peers that I craved attention form. I lacked confidence, peace, innocence, and the important characteristics of normality that the "others" had; the ones without trauma, sexual abuse, or addiction. ~RLE
Growing up I could only see an ugly girl living a dirty lie. I could only see my life through the cracks in my lenses as I peered out from behind the fragments of a broken soul. The sadness in my soul was all consuming because it seemed that I could never become the woman I wanted to be from the shell of the girl I left behind. In that state of mind, light was non-existent and darkness became a comfortable space. I could never see who I was meant to become from looking through the cracked lens of my life.
I was always told, "You're so beautiful!" Why can't you just be happy?" "You're so lucky, look at you!" The response to sharing how ugly I felt (because of my sexual trauma and childhood experiences) was always the same, "Wish I was as "ugly" as you!" Nothing ever brought comfort to the conflict of outside beauty vs. inner ugliness and trauma because my real feelings were always dismissed as irrational and selfish. This made me even more depressed and I sank farther into my depression while growing to hate who I was even more.
I soon come to understand that surface beauty didn’t hide the damage created by sexual trauma. When beauty became the thing that prevented people from seeing deeper into who I was a person, beauty then became my prison and my curse. To me, my beauty was a lie because I NEVER felt beautiful for the right reasons. The fragments of identity that I had were the reflection of what I was feeling inside and it was anything BUT beautiful.
Shattering the Illusions
The emotional bottom that jolted my soul into seeing who I was for the first time came from shedding years of depression, shame, trauma and addiction. The sheer force of my rapid fall shattered the illusion that I was not worth the investment of spiritual, emotional, and physical healing. Despite my best efforts in the past to change, I finally asked the right group of people for help. As a result, I received excellent spiritual remastering and editing so that I could truly see the beauty gifted to me by my creator which was re-birthed from my own metamorphosis.
As I matured, I saw that I could be the most beautiful woman, but hiding from the reality of trauma tainted my entire outlook on my life. I learned that I can remain soulfully gorgeous until my dying breath if I have a beauty that does not depend on the shell of my soul. Learning to depend on my own intimate relationship with my true self, I learned that even on the worst days of my depression and PTSD, I could hold an aura of internal beauty that carried me home to a more peaceful part of myself.
My Beauty is Beyond Skin Deep
Today, I see myself in a different way. My experiences haven't changed, I have changed! I AM beautiful inside and out! I am enough! I am happy! I feel pretty and my body is strong and beautiful, even with its flaws, quirks, and imperfections caused by growing older. Too fat, too thin, too this or that, no longer controls the emotional climate and how I feel about myself. I am beautiful in a reflective way, a way that highlights the mirror of my soul. My gifts are no longer weapons for selfish fear driven motives, they are glowing attributes to the work required to shine from Gods grace; an internal source of inner beauty, peace, and joy that can never be dimmed, painted over, defiled, or extinguished.
Flawless beauty resides in the heart. It radiates from a place of perfect love. Perfect love creates a beautiful mosaic when it is joined with other hearts that radiate from the same source of love-self love! We are the love we need to see in each other. Love yourself because beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder and if you can’t see it, just reach out to those who see your true beauty. We ARE Her and We ARE YOU! We SEE YOU!
I will never stop sharing my wisdom from the experiences that almost dimmed my light.
Love to you all,
Rebecca- A Thriver!
This post is for all my beautiful tribal members who feel inadequate, not pretty enough, not good enough, or forever flawed by warped perceptions of how others, including yourself, see your true beauty! We ARE beautiful, radiant beings of love and light. Be bold and love all of you-flaws and all! And, I promise to do the same!