Love after Divorce
"Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained." C.S. Lewis
As a young girl, I was not exposed to what a healthy marriage or relationship looked like. I witnessed just the opposite and, on top of that, my intimate relationship foundation was not formed properly due to the abuse I endured. The messages I received about love were tainted with confusion and shame. This was extremely unhealthy for a young woman who was desperately searching for a love of her own. I thought love from another would complete me and take away the deep rooted pain in my heart.
What I didn't know, was that my untreated spiritual wounds allowed a haunting emptiness to grow. This emptiness contributed to the crumbling of my adult emotional foundation which included my marriage.
I realized this unhealthy pattern would continually repeat itself unless I underwent a phase of solitary re-construction to repair years of emotional damage. The time I spent healing without distraction, has led me to a place where my heart is beginning to open like a flower that intuitively bares itself to the sun for nourishment.
Below is something I came across in meditation today. I immediately rebuked the suggestion, from spirit, that I indulge my sense of union with another and dream of a love that will come when I am ready. After reading what love, and a strong relationship can be, I feel strongly that I must share this with anyone who has experienced loss, grief and sadness due to a divorce.
The essence of marriage (or a healthy relationship)
This type of relationship is one in which both people admit to the value of it and each other. They make a commitment to each other, a commitment to work toward intimacy and a deeper love in a monogamous state. Each person takes the responsibility to fashion a separate life and each finds ways to fulfill needs without expecting the other person to meet all needs.
In a loving, committed relationship, partners listen to each other. They listen acceptingly and uncritically. They listen in a way that helps the troubled person reach solutions, rather than in a way that insults, demeans, or impedes understanding. Instead of ignoring, they listen. And they do not try to "fix" the problem.
Each person hears what the others asks, and if it does not interfere with their own well-being, each will offer a part of himself or herself to fulfill the request. And, in turn, they will ask to have some of their needs, wants and wishes fulfilled. Neither will stand in the way of the other's development. ~Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse
In my own experience, I have come to the end of a grieving process. I have been birthed into a new space of potential that I did not know existed, but deeply desired. My willingness to grow through feelings of discomfort and loneliness has introduced me to a whole new level of healing. The ability to move on without bitterness demonstrates what I have learned about self-love and unconditional love. Love is not something to own or possess, but something that can be shared in many ways, and on many different levels. Love is to be felt, enjoyed, and shared.
I have a sincere wish for all of the hurting and broken hearts who read this, "May true love begin in your own heart so that the passion and love you desire from another may adorn your naked soul without limitation."