I AM Vulnerable
"The brilliant colors of love radiate from your eyes creating the gateway for our souls to reunite." ~R
Each one of us, including me, has a love story that has left scars on our heart. Until we find the one, we navigate the best we can from the beginning of each relationship, through the middle, right to the end. My endings were huge lessons in themselves, but when hidden pain from yesterday tried its best to diminish my capacity to love and be loved today, it was obvious that I had to learn how to be in a loving relationship.
My New Experience
Recently, the door that barricaded my heart flung open so quickly that it revealed the most trivial facets of my hidden vulnerabilities. Because of my trauma, abuse, and addiction I, at times, find it difficult to understand the rudimentary parts of this healthy, sustainable relationship. I often ask myself, "Whats is different this time?" The answer, simply stated, is that this relationship has the potential to be the one with the right credentials to teach me about the real meaning of love. The kind of love that is fully supported and upheld by action, for it is by showing, not telling, that the truth is unveiled.
To be fully connected, I have to accept the insecurities caused by integrating parts of myself that I've kept secret for so long. In the destruction of what was once my reality I am, just now, learning how to trust. For my entire life trusting has been very difficult, and this lack of trust has made me vulnerable. It makes complete sense that it would take something powerful for me to learn to trust someone again. Because of the work I have done, I am able to fully emerge from the dingy, stale space of nothingness that once sabotaged my dreams and distorted my desires.
When it was glaringly obvious that my heart had reached a turning point, I had to transition from fear to love. In doing this, I had to unlearn what was once perceived as love. Since I am in new territory, I have to be patient with myself as I stumble, fall down, and even endure a few scrapes to my ego.
It is my heart that pulls me forward as I blindly wade, soul deep, in uncharted territory of my mind and body. I vacillate between being awe struck by effortless intimacy and tongue tied by experiences that continually change my understanding of what love can be.
I am not ashamed to say that I cry with him, and for him, as well as pray about the feeling that maybe, just maybe, my soul has found a safe place to be nurtured while it rapidly grows from the ripened seeds of unconditional love.
A New Promise from My Vulnerable Heart
I promise to enjoy the powerful flow of reciprocity. I promise to see, feel, and experience everything with fresh eyes and a clear mind so that the joy of today does not become tainted with yesterdays disappointments. I promise not to take you for granted. I promise to embrace feeling lost when, in reality, I have been found. I promise to ask for help when I am scared and share my strength when I am brave.
I promise that when I go from here to there, I will not lose sight of who I am in transit, or undermine the value of what we are building. Where ever my path takes me, I promise to always grow through any difficulty or challenge that may arise along the way. I promise to talk when I want to be silent and to reveal my thoughts when I want to hide my faults. I promise to be fully aware that I have found a different kind of love; a love that has been able to mature from an unwavering abundance of my limitless ability to practice self-love.