To Love, From Trauma
“And ruin’d love when it is built anew, grows fairer than at first, more strong, far greater.”
To My Lover
Loves memories send strong waves of emotion to the shores of my soul. I close my eyes and drift away as I remember a young love taken before its time. All the days I spent in love with you and all the days I’ve spent without you, have strengthened my soul to accept the reality of what cannot be undone.
My mother was my primary abuser. Her dark, insane actions took more than my innocence, she sabotaged my first true love. She rebelliously extinguished the fires of my passion. Her icy soul froze my dreams until tears of broken trust melted everything I touched. My impetuous emotional breakdown was flooded with alcohol and a series of bad choices that caused irreparable harm to a heart that I chose to love; a heart that held a shield against her attacks, but faltered under the weight of relentless battles.
Sultry gazes of innocence, lust, and electricity faded under the horrors of deep, unresolved wounds to my young, undeserving body. My skewed understanding of love was the unjust casualty of her diabolical ego. The emotional shrapnel that damaged my heart left scars so jagged, they caused his heart to hemorrhage. Our love bled until it laid lifeless at the mercy of her indifference. This tumultuous plague, cast from her black heart, wiped out the vibrant color of love leaving only dingy, muddled hues of betrayal and grief.
The Healing Love
Today, in recovery, I honor this love and all love. I honor the space that has opened up for more love than would have ever been possible if the container of suffering had not been so deep. I long for true love to knock on my door again, to seductively beg my lips for kisses, and wildly, yet tenderly, ravish my body until I drift in and out of a post-coitus consciousness. For this to be possible, I must forgive myself for not knowing how to love.
In learning to love myself, I've become a hopeless romantic. My desires are held prisoner to the truth of how powerful love can be. I know that love, for me, is uncharted and unscripted. The love I desire will blindly lead me into a passionate frenzy. Once my soul has been captured by its raw power, this love will be limitless. I believe it will be an explosion of thoughts and feelings that can never be explained, only felt in the underbelly of my deepest desires.
It is because you loved me that I see how love grows. It is because I’ve tasted love that I hunger for it again. As the painful memories fade, they take with it the uncorroborated fear that love will never find me again.
"My only love sprung from my only hate. Too early seen unknown and known too late."