How Indecision Keeps ME Sitting on the Fence
"Fear is the mother of foresight."~Thomas Hardy
Coming from a life of trauma, and having to keep silent for fear of what would happen if I spoke my truth, it took a lot of courage for me to overcome my fears and speak up for myself. I had to learn how to boldly communicate in order to embrace the life I live today as an Author, Speaker, and Childhood Sexual Abuse Advocate. It took several years of relentless, in depth soul-work with a counselor, and a 12 Step group, to decipher what it was that I needed say in order to live a happy life.
With my old thinking, asking for help made me feel needy, weak, vulnerable and left my gaping wounds wide open to verbal attacks from anyone who misunderstood who I was and what I was saying. Being courageous under extreme duress was all I had at one time in my life, and at times, still is. I had to fight to stay strong in the meekness of silence. So often, the most rudimentary needs of a child and young woman were pushed aside for survival. Under that emotional stress, I never learned how to create a healthy verbal foundation until I learned how to properly interpret my feelings and effectively communicate my needs, wants, and desires. Eventually, I was able to re-train my brain to effectively communicate my boundaries to the appropriate persons at the appropriate times. especially when I needed to be firm, stand strong, and/or to stand up for myself.
When being unauthentic was no longer able to protect my secerest, I had to take a serious look at my life. I realized relationships with my family, friends, co-workers and my interactions with the community I have become a part of, to mirror back who I have become after the reconstruction phase. The great unveiling of 'who Rebecca was' could have been featured on America’s Dirtiest Jobs. I had to excavate all the rancid thinking, discard the rotten ideas of how I was unworthy of happiness and success, and eliminate the sludge from stagnate emotional waters. Because of this 'dirty work', I was able discover the brilliance of my soul that has been refined by the fiery flames of recovery. The intense heat has, no doubt, already altered my life.
The value I place on my own self-worth sets up the pattern for how others will treat me and how others will respond to what is important in my life. The more open, confident, and articulate I am in digging deep to reveal what it is that I truly need form my relationships, chances are that the right people will hear what I am saying and strive to meet me where I stand. Because of the work that I have done, I stand where words and actions are in alignment.
Today, at this very moment, I am committed (more than ever) to asking for everything I need to move forward towards my goals in life. My mind is expressively communicating with my soul. Dreams are becoming crystal clear, creativity is flourishing, and new projects are developing at a rapid pace. The life I’ve always dreamed of living flashes in the distance and beckons me to commit to a purposeful life, right now, by standing UP FOR WHO I AM!
Before committing to deep rooted change, I went over the non-negotiable of ethics and the moral code that could not be jeopardized. On one side of the fence I saw fear, procrastination, lack mentality, and limitations. On the other side, I saw expansive connections, limitless opportunities, unbounded creativity with a cornucopia of desire waiting to be fulfilled. All I needed was the courage to leap from the known into the unknown. I was willing to endure the free-fall of life, with unwavering faith, so the omnipotent force that holds the stars in the sky could unveil the plan for me that is much better than sitting on the fence. And so it is, I've jumped off the fence embracing the unknown where Universal wisdom exalts my spirit from the doldrums of indecision.
"Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go." ~T.S. Eliot